AMBIEN

I don’t sleep much.

 Not really.  5-6 hours a night is more than enough for me to function semi-normally. Semi only because I could sleep for a year or two and still not behave “normally”

I read an article in the 8^th Grade about how much of our lives we spend in bed, sleeping.

It’s A LOT.

It had a profound effect on me.

 I just quit sleeping. I would go go go until I pretty much passed out from exhaustion.  Or I would just sleep during school. I figured why not? It’s not like I was doing anything important. Life is pretty short, too short to sleep through.

Fast forward a dozen years or so, and suddenly the habit of not sleeping becomes a concern and a problem.  One of those things that seem normal to me but all of a sudden it seems to the people around me that something is “wrong”.   like all of us are bombarded constantly by things that tell us we are sick, we need drugs, we want to be normal we want to be normal. Billboards, commercials and advertisements selling wellness. 

What a crock of shit.

Anyways.

I fell for it. Hard. Went to five different doctors to find out what was “wrong” with me and they all got a chance to practice their witch doctor hoodoo voodoo on me.  All I got out of all of it was a sense of panic and a prescription for AMBIEN. It’s a sleep drug, helps you sleep. They say. Knocks your ass out is what it does.

It works really really well.

Then I started having weirdness.

Waking up in strange places. It wasn’t every day, but it was strange.

I woke up at 330 am in my truck at short term parking in the airport. I woke up walking down the street by my house holding a dog leash with no dog.  I woke up on the sidewalk in front of my old best friends house with truck keys in my hand and no truck in sight.

And then.

I woke up naked on a bench in a strange gym.

At 3 in the morning.

This was something that most certainly was not covered in the boy scouts handbook.

So.

I searched the lockers until I found an abandoned towel, I was hoping for my clothes or keys or phone but no such luck.

 A towel is what I got.

  Clad thusly in towel I ventured out into the gym. It was mostly empty, a few fellow insomniacs (pre-Ambien) working out and a pretty little girl at the desk.

 With really big startled looking eyes.

 I approached her a little warily; she was looking at me kind of funny. The conversation went something like this.

Naked but for a towel me: HI!

Desk Girl with Big Startled Eyes:

Nbfatm: um, did you see me come in?

DGwBSE: a nod

Nbfatm: Great! Um, did I have clothes on?

DGwBSE: a nod

Nbfatm: Excellent! Did you notice if I had a bag?

DGwBSE: a nod, then a point

With a rapid turn I followed her finger direction and saw Child #1s school bag leaned against a wall. Snatching it up I discovered a padlock key and my shirt inside. I went back into the locker room and found the little pink heart padlock that matched the key and discovered some clothes, my keys, my phone and a DVD.

Two problems.

No pants, and I had never seen the DVD before. “Bad Boys 2” was not really on my must see list.

I put on the clothes I had and clad in my (it was mine now) towel and wearing a child’s backpack strode confidently (right) out to the desk again.

Partially Clad me: Hi

DGwBSE:

PCm: Um, by any chance did I take my pants off out here?

DGwBSE: Huge emphatic nod and another point.

I followed the point and found my pants. Safe and sound folded neatly on the leg press.

Three things.

 I never have been back to that Gym, I quit Ambien cold turkey, insomnia is FUN. Oh, and the movie?

 Really sucks.