the #s swim with fish

We went on a cruise last year.
Yes, I have heard all of the negative things about them, seen all the videos and read all the articles about poo-cruises and the phantom (ITS NOT REAL!) cannibal rat ship.
Best vacation I have ever had.
Really.
It was a Disney cruise.
The kids had fun, the wife had fun, and honestly, I had one of the best times of my entire life.
Even with accidentally causing the entire cruise ship to embark a bit (two hours) late due to to a misunderstanding about a bullet, a security clearance and some scars.
Even with surviving a tropical storm (terrifying in hindsight) on key West.
Even staying the night in a very haunted hotel in a very racist little town that really should exorcise its ghost population and get the hell out of its pre-civil war mindset.
It was the most fun I have ever had.
We went to Disney's Private island. Its called castaway key.
We fed stingrays and a very large indigenous lizard. We got a little sunburned. We snorkeled. I got in lots of trouble because I swam inside the sunk submarine and made blowfish faces at my family.
We ate so much ice cream that we all lost weight.
And.
The #s swam with the fishies.
Both my kids are excellent swimmers, as is my wife.
Me. Not so much.
And, I do not float. At all.
If I sit still in the water, stop flapping my arms and thrashing my legs, I sink as a stone sinks. Right to the bottom.
Its a side effect of having a solid noggin.
We were out, swimming in the lagoon of the private island.
Snorkels sputtering unheard laughter above our sunbaked backs.
Have you ever done this? Swam in water so clear that the glass of your goggles seems blurry by comparison?
Been surrounded by the three people you love most in the world whilst frolicking amidst harmless finny denizens of the deep?
Its a little bit of heaven.
More then a little.
So it should not have been a shock when a fish swam up to say high to the child #2.
Had it been one of the little colorful fluttery fishy dudes it would have been icing on the perfect cake.
Problem was. This dude was bigger then my child. A lot bigger.
Did you know that you can hear girls scream underwater?
Also, if you kick your fin thingies really super hard you can get your whole upper body right out of the water? Carrying your children?
But when you chuck them at the buoy with the lifeguard on it, the backlash pushes you pretty deep.
The lifeguard seemed to be screaming in terror.
The #s certainly were.
Except.
Laughter sounds a lot like screams underwater.
I guess there is this thing called a grouper?
Apparently its a large fishy.
Not a shark or killer whale or Justin Bieber fan, or leviathan.
A grouper.
Who knew?
Truly though, even after this.
Even after ten minutes later getting pulled out of the water by a real screaming lifeguard, howling something about "Moron Eels" Or Mayhap he Said "You MOron! Moray Eels will bite your HAND OFF" after I tried to pet the long skinny fishy thing.
Even then.
Best Vacation I ever had.

Clout

I was asked the other day what my "clout" score was.
This surprised me. I had thought that the only ones that kept track of the clouting, were Santa with his naughty list at the north pole and St Pete and his list of bad shit people do.
I have not really kept track of the clouting in recent years. No notches in my belt or self mutilation, tattoos or stickers.
So I gave it a quick think.
Most recently I clouted a van. With my boot first and then my special fiberglass and steel reinforced clouting glove.
It was late, I was tired, and the damn juggalos inside the van threw a beer can (1/2 full, I am an optimist) at me. I guess they didn't know that with the kickstand down the motorcycle stands all by itself.
wonders shall never cease.
The wonder to me, even as I was busy trying to clout in the passenger door of the van, is that 6 very large humans of indiscriminate gender and/or sobriety would run from one guy. Not actually "run" per se, but reverse in their jugavan away from me whilst screaming like frenzied frolicking female ferrets.
Not actually "large" either. More like morbidly obese.
Toms clout score: 6 (5 for the door and one for the widow)
Juggalos clout score: 1/2. Had the beer can actually hit me I would have given them 1, had it hit my bike I would be writing this from jail.
I guess I could count clouting the inmates, I could probably even count the clouting of Dan with the golf cart.
How far back do they want this scoring to go?
Do you get a negative clout if you get clouted back?
If your Brother clouts you or you clout him, is that different from clouting strangers?
What about clouting with objects?
If I clout someone with, say, a baseball bat. Is that more or less points if I clout them with the handle I broke off a refrigerator?
Its confusing.
I answered by saying I wasn't sure, but probably somewhere in the low thousands.
To my answer I received an incredulous look.
and a mystifying reply. "That's impossible, Justin Beiber has the only perfect clout score , and its 100"
Bullshit says I. If that little androgynous nymph has ever clouted anything in his life I would eat garden snails. In fact, the only way he has a clout score at all is if you somehow get points for getting the shit kicked out of you in first grade for being a whiny little floppy haired troll.
Blank stare.
Then I saw his piggy little geek eyes light up.
"Its K-L-O-U-T. Its your on-line influence."
I said, no, its C-L-O-U-T, and it means "to hit, or strike."
He sniffed at me. Then started to go into a long explanation of this new "scoring " system that involved your followers, who you follow, what you like, blah blah blah blah. He droned on and on. He started to get supercilious and condescending at the end of his tirade.
So I smiled, and to demonstrate the reality of my argument.
I clouted him.
Tom: 1
Stupid Geek: -230
(he gets -1 for the clout, -1 for being silly and -228 for the squeaky little sound he made when he got clouted.)
Luckily for him, I was not wearing my special clouting gloves.