Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Weird Cousin

We were eating dinner with some friends a few nights ago and one of them said something which has really got me thinking. He said "Everybody is somebody's weird cousin." I started thinking about that, about me and my cousins and my wife and hers. I tell about things that happened to my cousins or because of them for pure entertainment. Take for example this cousin. (Who shall remain nameless) He was in California surfing and living like a vagrant, bumming food and sleeping wherever he could. He crashed a Frat Party to score some eats and somehow managed to hit on the biggest guy in the rooms girlfriend. The boyfriend was a lineman for Santa Barbara. My cousin, who has a mouth, is getting stomped. He told me later that he had never felt so weak and helpless. Incidentally he is 6'2" and about 200 lbs of solid starving surfer boy at this point in his career and the lineman was double his weight and 4 inches taller.
So the lineman has got both of his wrists in one hand holding him pinned to the ground, slapping him with the other hand, the erstwhile girlfriend finally decides to stop it and starts screaming at the Lineman to let him up, so the lineman put his hand on cousins face to push himself up, My cousin, who at this point is humiliated and not a little sore has opened his mouth to spew some more profanity at the Boyfriend and oddly enough the pinkie finger gets stuck in cousins mouth. Remember, he is A) Humiliated B) Mad as hell C) more then a little crazy D) Starving. So... He bites the guys finger. OFF! The lineman becomes a door mat when he sees the blood, the room is dead silent. My cousin stands up, spits the guys finger out onto the doormats chest and runs like hell. He did, however have the presence of mind to grab a sandwich and a six pack on the way out.
Weird cousin.
So I called him, to talk about this and to find out what he tells people about it, if it was a standard party tale, you know, the story that gets dragged out and shined up whenever you have people over? Here is where it gets weird. He told me he hardly ever talks about the finger anymore, in fact his two favorite stories to tell are about me! I am slightly flattered slightly annoyed and more then slightly apprehensive when I ask him which ones. He tells me that his favorite is when I ran over the guy in the golf cart, and the crazy thing is. He tells it better then I do! I was laughing just as hard when he re-told me the story as when I actually ran the guy over. His second favorite was about the time I got into a fight at a dance club downtown, I had actually forgotten two things, the fight itself and the fact that he was there. But when he told the story, which involves three girls, a decorative pool, a plate glass window and a bit with an UZI I was laughing even harder then I had at the first story. Then it occurred to me. I am the weird cousin.
I wasn't completely sure at this point. So I called some of my wife's cousins, they think I am off and out there. I called some of my own cousins, stories about the oddness of me abounded. So, to seal the deal I called a couple of extended cousins and finally some friends. It was pretty much a wash.
I am everybody's weird cousin.