Tuesday, February 4, 2014

the #s swim with fish

We went on a cruise last year.
Yes, I have heard all of the negative things about them, seen all the videos and read all the articles about poo-cruises and the phantom (ITS NOT REAL!) cannibal rat ship.
Best vacation I have ever had.
It was a Disney cruise.
The kids had fun, the wife had fun, and honestly, I had one of the best times of my entire life.
Even with accidentally causing the entire cruise ship to embark a bit (two hours) late due to to a misunderstanding about a bullet, a security clearance and some scars.
Even with surviving a tropical storm (terrifying in hindsight) on key West.
Even staying the night in a very haunted hotel in a very racist little town that really should exorcise its ghost population and get the hell out of its pre-civil war mindset.
It was the most fun I have ever had.
We went to Disney's Private island. Its called castaway key.
We fed stingrays and a very large indigenous lizard. We got a little sunburned. We snorkeled. I got in lots of trouble because I swam inside the sunk submarine and made blowfish faces at my family.
We ate so much ice cream that we all lost weight.
The #s swam with the fishies.
Both my kids are excellent swimmers, as is my wife.
Me. Not so much.
And, I do not float. At all.
If I sit still in the water, stop flapping my arms and thrashing my legs, I sink as a stone sinks. Right to the bottom.
Its a side effect of having a solid noggin.
We were out, swimming in the lagoon of the private island.
Snorkels sputtering unheard laughter above our sunbaked backs.
Have you ever done this? Swam in water so clear that the glass of your goggles seems blurry by comparison?
Been surrounded by the three people you love most in the world whilst frolicking amidst harmless finny denizens of the deep?
Its a little bit of heaven.
More then a little.
So it should not have been a shock when a fish swam up to say high to the child #2.
Had it been one of the little colorful fluttery fishy dudes it would have been icing on the perfect cake.
Problem was. This dude was bigger then my child. A lot bigger.
Did you know that you can hear girls scream underwater?
Also, if you kick your fin thingies really super hard you can get your whole upper body right out of the water? Carrying your children?
But when you chuck them at the buoy with the lifeguard on it, the backlash pushes you pretty deep.
The lifeguard seemed to be screaming in terror.
The #s certainly were.
Laughter sounds a lot like screams underwater.
I guess there is this thing called a grouper?
Apparently its a large fishy.
Not a shark or killer whale or Justin Bieber fan, or leviathan.
A grouper.
Who knew?
Truly though, even after this.
Even after ten minutes later getting pulled out of the water by a real screaming lifeguard, howling something about "Moron Eels" Or Mayhap he Said "You MOron! Moray Eels will bite your HAND OFF" after I tried to pet the long skinny fishy thing.
Even then.
Best Vacation I ever had.