Saturday, May 12, 2012

Clout

I was asked the other day what my "clout" score was.
This surprised me. I had thought that the only ones that kept track of the clouting, were Santa with his naughty list at the north pole and St Pete and his list of bad shit people do.
I have not really kept track of the clouting in recent years. No notches in my belt or self mutilation, tattoos or stickers.
So I gave it a quick think.
Most recently I clouted a van. With my boot first and then my special fiberglass and steel reinforced clouting glove.
It was late, I was tired, and the damn juggalos inside the van threw a beer can (1/2 full, I am an optimist) at me. I guess they didn't know that with the kickstand down the motorcycle stands all by itself.
wonders shall never cease.
The wonder to me, even as I was busy trying to clout in the passenger door of the van, is that 6 very large humans of indiscriminate gender and/or sobriety would run from one guy. Not actually "run" per se, but reverse in their jugavan away from me whilst screaming like frenzied frolicking female ferrets.
Not actually "large" either. More like morbidly obese.
Toms clout score: 6 (5 for the door and one for the widow)
Juggalos clout score: 1/2. Had the beer can actually hit me I would have given them 1, had it hit my bike I would be writing this from jail.
I guess I could count clouting the inmates, I could probably even count the clouting of Dan with the golf cart.
How far back do they want this scoring to go?
Do you get a negative clout if you get clouted back?
If your Brother clouts you or you clout him, is that different from clouting strangers?
What about clouting with objects?
If I clout someone with, say, a baseball bat. Is that more or less points if I clout them with the handle I broke off a refrigerator?
Its confusing.
I answered by saying I wasn't sure, but probably somewhere in the low thousands.
To my answer I received an incredulous look.
and a mystifying reply. "That's impossible, Justin Beiber has the only perfect clout score , and its 100"
Bullshit says I. If that little androgynous nymph has ever clouted anything in his life I would eat garden snails. In fact, the only way he has a clout score at all is if you somehow get points for getting the shit kicked out of you in first grade for being a whiny little floppy haired troll.
Blank stare.
Then I saw his piggy little geek eyes light up.
"Its K-L-O-U-T. Its your on-line influence."
I said, no, its C-L-O-U-T, and it means "to hit, or strike."
He sniffed at me. Then started to go into a long explanation of this new "scoring " system that involved your followers, who you follow, what you like, blah blah blah blah. He droned on and on. He started to get supercilious and condescending at the end of his tirade.
So I smiled, and to demonstrate the reality of my argument.
I clouted him.
Tom: 1
Stupid Geek: -230
(he gets -1 for the clout, -1 for being silly and -228 for the squeaky little sound he made when he got clouted.)
Luckily for him, I was not wearing my special clouting gloves.




8 comments:

Warren said...

Now that's funny. Thanks for the chuckle. Keep on cloutin'.

KMW said...

So let me see if I've got this right: in order to have a high "klout" score, it sounds like one must sit on their ass in front of a computer a lot. Or spend a lot of time surfing and typing on other mobile devices. Taking away from their time of actually doing things that most people consider "living." I'm thinking people with lower "klout" scores sound a lot more interesting and well rounded.

The Tom said...

Thank you warren! I shall

The Tom said...

Well, yes. It seemed a bit counter-productive to me as well. But; you must know, that I work with intel squirrels. Accountants and Judges. Non of which are in any way capable of "free will, thought, self expression and/or understanding"

Marie Nicole said...

My klout score dropped a point yesterday. I need to go out and tweet my ass off or find new facebook friends or maybe post naked pictures of myself (of course they wouldn't be of me, I'd only say they were). I need to stop washing dishes, stop working (oops done that part already) and blog about the kardashians and paris hilton (are they still alive) i need to follow bieber's tweets about hair gel. i need to drop everything i am doing because i need more klout, i need to shout and shout until... ah what the fuck am i talking about. i'd rather spend the day with a good book or enjoying the waves on my paddleboard.
p.s. shame on you, blogging from jail would totally improve your blogging klout madness!

The Tom said...

He tweets about hair gel!?!?! Hahahahahahahahaha
That kid. Holy smokes. Actually, for some reason that reminds me of a line from "no country for old men" (the book, I have not seen the movie)
"the trouble is not that they sell drugs to school kids. The trouble is that school kids buy them"

Marie Nicole said...

You haven't seen the movie yet? There's a book? Let's switch spots - you watch it, I'll read it. Deal?

The Tom said...

Its a deal. I love the Cohen brothers stuff and its been on my "to watch" list for a while.