All in good fun

They put a purple teddy bear on the front of my motorcycle.
Its hard to be a bad ass with a plushy riding bitch. Given the seating placement, in retrospect, I was the one riding bitch to a plushy.
That makes it so much worse.
Damn.
The bear was there for at least a week. I really wanted to write "the bear was there, but I did not care" but after the last emotional blog my man-card is on suspension until my next fist fight.
It was mean of them. I thought. The way they laughed and chortled at me.
I plotted and schemed. Failure. I hate practical jokes.
I failed at my first attempt at an April fools joke. Made my little brother puke masticated cheerios all over everyone at breakfast. Switching the sugar with the salt, not wise.
The beating (flyswatter) that I got and the very stern lecture cured me of practical humor at others expense for a while.
Until I was 17. Then I wore a scary werewolf mask and jumped on my little (younger, physically he is bigger than I) brother growling and screaming.
He was briefly startled, however, he overcame his momentary alarm fast enough to punch me in the face.
Retrospect, again, I should never have thought that a werewolf would even phase my little brother. This is the kid that later in life was attacked by a bear and retained presence of mind enough to shoot it.
With a bow and arrow.
He broke my mask and bloodied my lip.
I deserved it.
So I plotted my revenge for the plushy. It took me a long time.

But then, I hung a purple tinky winky plushy from one guys bike and put a cute little rainbow magnet on the other guys ride

So they drained my gas tank.
Then they booby trapped my desk.
Followed by a series of phone calls and pages.
Moving on from there to Stapling my pants to my leg, gluing my tires to the ground, drilling holes in the bottom of all of my water bottles and feeding me shrimp disguised in chili.
Bastards.
They were so damn good at it.
The doctored picture of me as Hitler, posted everywhere, was my favorite.
My wee little mind was aching.
Two things happened.
A friend found a license plate cover that said "I LOVE BOYS" and I found a peel and stick permanent strawberry shortcake patch.
Perfect.
Then it was all down to timing.
Franz had a perfectly restored Buick GS X, it was going to be in its first show. The night before the show I snuck into his garage and put it on his back plate. I love boys prominently displayed on a muscle car, headed to a redneck heaven the next day.
I was laughing so hard I didn't sleep.
It took him 3/4 of the day to figure out why all the guys were slipping him phone numbers. Took him the rest of the day to cut the stripped bolts (oops) off and remove the vanity plate.
He got calls for two months from lonely guys.
John was much more aware.
I waited almost two months for him to drop his guard. When he did, angels sang. Then they choked from laughing.
He was walking in from outside, taking off his helmet. I nonchalantly slapped him (manfully!) on the back to say hey.
Planting a 4inch by 6inch strawberry shortcake permanent patch, sticky side down, on to the back right shoulder of his motorcycle jacket.

3 weeks.
He wore it for three weeks before an ex-girlfriend at a bar answered his question of  "why cant I get a date? Its like I am invisible to Women" as only a women could have answered "Baby, if you want to play for that team again you cant go out wearing the other teams uniform"
Revenge was sweet.
berry sweet.

Tastes Like Channel No. 5 - Live to Ride, Ride to Live

I just wrote a blog about Jobs and living. Nothing really fancy, just a little ramble about the confusion I feel most of us face in the real world.

Then I deleted it.

It would have gotten me fired, Possibly disowned and very likely beaten with a bat. At this point in my career,  I can do without any of those things.

So, a short little moment instead.

I heard my niece call my baby brother Daddy today. It caught me off guard and I reeled a bit. Old age crept up on me and ker-plowied me right in the cerebreal cortex. I felt every single one of my years landing right on my head. All at once.

I have written many things over the years, about aging and life and living. I have tried them all myself at one time or another and yet I find myself addled this day. Wondering if I am actually living or if I am just taking up space that could be used for greater purposes than me.

I just don't know.

I cant step far enough back from life to get a clear view of it. I am always right in the middle of my own life and so absorbed in it. that that I rarely lift my head up to see.

Do this thing for me invisible reader. The next time you find your own self in a car on a sunny clear day. For every stoplight you cease moving at, look up. Look up from the road and the soap operas of those around you and look into the distance. See as far as you can.

How far away those building?

How distant the mountains?

How long do geese fly?

How close the sky?

Look up and see. Look into the distance and imagine your life, open the book of you and turn the pages back a few. Reflect on the blank pages left in the book and think of what you are going to write on them.

I am going to do it.

So should you.

The following is an article I wrote for an on-line magazine. It has since run its course and I can now do whatever I want with this story, which although some is true, some is also fiction.

But not much.

I am writing today, finding myself not really worried about rules, the computer takes care of the important stuff. Leaving me free to elucidate my ideas, to clarify and share my memories of the life I am in the process of living.

 I have this memory of an uncle; cigar smoke wreathing his head, bottle of bourbon in his hand. He looks at the wallet I have just handed him. The flying wings logo of “Live to Ride, Ride to Live” cheaply embossed on its fairground leather. He looks at the wallet, then gazes deep into my eyes, his eyes, I have been told, the same silver blue as my own. I feel a momentary discomfort at the thought that my own gaze may be as searching as his. He takes a swallow of rot-gut, cigar rolling to the opposite side of his mouth to make room, his eyes never breaking contact. He hands me back the wallet, takes a deep breath and says, “Yeah, I can see it”. Exhaling the words in a cloud of sweetly scented smoke reminiscent of dreams I didn’t really remember. I was twelve years old, dressed in dork clothes with a dork haircut, wanting desperately to please everyone. Failing in that almost constantly as my desires rarely coincided with those of my parents. I tried so hard to fit in, to belong to the herd. A wolf dressed as a sheep and fooling some. This old wolf, grizzled and worn with grey in his beard and hair, recognized his own. His sparse words were the only encouragement I ever received.

I saw a play once. It was really good. Some French play about a guy with an enormous nose. There was this guy in the play, he wasn’t the main character, I think he was a butcher? Or a baker? Anyway, this guy stood out, the rest of the people on the stage fit there, but this guy, he stood out. I thought long and hard about why. One day it occurred to me. When an actor puts on a costume, he knows it’s not him; he takes it off at the end of the night and returns to his real self. But when a person, any person who plays on the stage of life puts on a costume, if they wear it long enough it becomes them. This guy, playing the baker, wasn’t wearing a costume. He was the baker. He believed it so much that whenever he was on stage the audience believed it too. We were all willingly deceived by his belief. I wondered how many of us do that? Wear a sheep costume for so long that we forget the wolf. My uncle never forgot, he always knew who he was.

He died a few years ago; victim not of his vices, but of the stupidity of others. I sat next to him in a comfortless white room the day before he abandoned his failing body. He told me of all the things he had never done, the places he had never gone, sights he had never seen. The missed chances of a lifetime unloaded on my shoulders in the space of an hour of talk. I learned regret in that hour. I walked out of that room and looked down at myself. Dork clothes, dork haircut, Driving back to work in my safe little car to mingle with the other sheep.  The only reminder of the wolf was the wallet in my back pocket, now smooth and worn from 12 years of hiding. A not so gentle reminder to me as I walked out of that room.

There is a chain on my belt today. It stretches back to my wallet. When the wind is in my hair and a destination in my mind, I think of everything. The choices we make and the consequences that follow. I think of my wife, my patient understanding genius wife. Who didn’t scream or wail or moan when I came home with the motorcycle. I think of my family, all of whom have forgotten the wolf in them entirely. They have worn their costumes for so long that when I see them, I believe it myself. So I travel, I live life. Eyes on the road and my mind a thousand miles away. Sometimes my dreams take me even further. The motorcycle is just a part of a life. Life is just a passing dream, a small town on a long road. Blink too long, and you might miss it.