Sunday, June 14, 2009

Chasing Tail

I am not a runner. In spite of this fact I often run. It seems that about 8 years ago I looked in the mirror and there was this fat guy looking at me, I looked down to make sure I had not body swapped someone in the night but no, same scars. But something was different, ah! I couldn't see my feet! So I started on the StairMaster for a few hours a week and then the elliptical and finally I graduated to the treadmill. After a couple of years on the treadmill I decided to run outside, you know, on the road and stuff. Well, after this it seems as if everyone we know is a runner of some sort, road runner, trail runner, drug runner. Pretty much all of the facets of running covered.
This story is about is my Wife's Cousins Wife. Charlotte. She had just had a baby and wanted to get back into shape, Me and the Wife had just started taking the Em to sugar park every weekday night to ride her scooter. So we all hooked up, Me and the Wife's cousin would race on Rollerblades around the park while Charlotte and Caprice chased Emma on her scooter. It was a lot of fun. I got really used to seeing the wives running, Charlotte pushing a baby stroller and Caprice chasing Emma.
One of the things that we have always done as a family is take part in the Murray 4th of July festivities, after my Wife began running we started running in the 5k. We had ran in it for 3 years and we started talking up the fun potential to the cousin and his wife, because misery loves company. They agreed to run it with us. I should probably mention two things at this point. 1) I have been cursed with a competition gene, for some reason it kicks on especially bad with relations, blood or otherwise. 2) Charlotte is a RUNNER, she has legs that start at her armpits, she looks like she just floats over the ground. On the other hand I have had many people comment on how when I run, it looks as if I am pushing the Earth down. So we all signed up for the 5k run.
That morning I could feel the gene starting to overreact so at the starting line I lost myself in the crowd to try and avoid seeing any family members at the start. The gun went off and I started running at my usual leisurely pace. About 1/4 mile into it I saw something ahead of me that triggered my gene. It was a blond Ponytail. Swinging happily back and forth behind a jogging stroller, so I started to speed up. I ran as hard as I could just to get within 20 feet of that tail. It was as if she could sense me. As soon as I got that close she picked up the pace, pushing that damn stroller. I was overcome by the gene and really started to run, I ran as hard as I have ever run in my life. I was wheezing and blowing snot bubbles and I am sure that people were swinging wide to give the crazy guy room. I could not catch her. She floated along chatting with a friend about 20 feet in front of me. The last 1/4 mile I gave it all I had. I was going to catch that swinging tail if it killed me. She never even looked back, just waved at her friend and powered that hellacious stroller right down the road and through the finish line 26 seconds before me. Son of a BITCH was I mad. I was never going to hear the end of this. Ever. Now I can handle getting beat, but by my wife's cousins wife! That was just a bit too much for the Tom ego. I was thinking of sneaking away and faking an injury, aneurysm, breakdown, allergic reaction to losing, I don't know, anything! But the good shoulder angel was doing a bit of whispering in my ear (yelling) about being a good sport and not embarrassing myself any more then I already had. So I sucked it up and walked over to Tell Charlotte what a good race it had been. I put my arm around her and said, "hey coz, great race" and she looked up at me........and what the hell! who the hell was this! Some chick with the exact stroller, shoes and stupid freaking ponytail! WTF! I didn't even say a word. Just took my arm back and shuffled off to find a drink.
7 minutes later Charlotte crossed the finish line. I was too exhausted to be happy, I went home and slept till fireworks. Oddly enough, that was my best 5k time. Ever.

2 comments:

Fraser's and Co. said...

Ok... I've been laughing for the past 5 minutes because I share so much the same of this post that it's CRAZY!!! I am NOT a runner... I am a FAKER of a runner. My cousins post their first 1/2 marathon time and it is a faster pace than my 5k pace. But STILL... somehow, I am GOING TO BEAT her pace in August.

Caprice said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whitespace just for you Tom