Thursday, June 11, 2009

the window of the absurd

I think that most people miss a lot of really fun stuff because they only see what they expect. My Family is convinced that I am some kind of weird magnet because of all the completely odd and random stuff that seems to happen whenever I am around. Mostly I do not think this is true, yes I have had a lot of random strange things happen that seem to happen to nobody else, but at the same time it is the stuff that I notice happening that makes for the strangest stories. For example: I was sitting at a stop light and the back end of a rat fell out of the sky on to my hood with a bloody squish. I was a bit surprised, usually it rains toads. When I leaned out of the window to see what other mammals would be falling I saw a very confused looking hawk sitting on a light pole directly above me, It was opening and closing one claw with a look that said "what the hell?" Speaking of rats, my very first Job not for my Dad was on the mow-boys crew at Three Fountains East. Since I was the FNG I got stuck hand mowing the banks of the canal on the golf course. Very first day I was mowing and a RAT tried to run in front of the mower. He did not quite make it. When I went to empty the bag the other mow-boys saw the blood and tail and told the Boss. He asked me what had happened and after he caught his breath from laughing and finished wiping the tears out of his eyes gave me a fifty dollar "rat" bonus. Sometimes the weird stuff pays.
One of my favorite weird happenings was a couple of years ago when our Jeep exploded on the way home from visiting both of our families at Mill Hollow. Yeah Caprice's whole family and my whole family were camping, not together, but in the same place on the same weekend. I had to work the next day so we had just gone up for a visit and were headed home in our awesome 66 four door Wagoneer. We had just got on the merge to I-80 coming down from Kamas and the Jeep's engine exploded. It really exploded, a large piece of something went through the hood shooting flames and an even larger piece went down through the engine and shot out under the Jeep shooting flames and sparks. It didn't just throw "a rod" it threw all of them. We had enough momentum to pull into the rest area that used to be right after the junction. It's gone now but every time I drive by I remember this night. We pulled into the rest area and coasted right into a parking space under the light about 1/2 way between the restrooms and the exit. It was about 1145 on a Friday night and the rest area was pretty empty. Our first dilemma came when we realized we had no one to call to come get us, all of them being back the way we had just come and way out of any sort of cell reception. So we called Brandie to come rescue us and a tow truck to come and get the Jeep. Jeep was obviously dead, all of its fluids were leaking out and when I crawled under to look their were four fist size hole in the oil pan. I figured that this was probably not a good thing. I had a "Jet Pull" in the morning and so I was determined to get as much sleep as I could. I stretched out on the front seat and Caprice and Emma played little nervous waiting games in the back. After about 1/2 hour I am informed from the back seat that the time has come to escort the women folk to the potty. I was a little irritated, here we were in a well lit rest area, only one other car visible, the bathrooms also well lit, only about 60 yards away and me really wanting some sleep and they want an escort? What the hell? So I put on my "I am in charge here" voice and softly agreed to walk with them to the potty. (yeah, that's the way it is)
So we make a party out of it, Me walking with the flashlight and Caprice carrying the Emma, who was five years old, so this was a lot longer ago then it seems. We are still laughing about the exploding of the Jeep and generally just happy that we were OK and together when I stop about 15 feet shy of the restroom and Caprice and Emma continue on to complete the moment. The door has not even shut all the way and Caprice kicks it back open and comes running out carrying Emma. Both of them have this stunned look and Caprice is sprinting as fast as I have ever seen her. I started to ask what was wrong but before I could Caprice screamed (yes, screamed) at me that "THERE IS A GIANT TRANSVESTITE IN THERE" and ran behind me and hid. Now hold on, when she said "giant" what did she mean? I was thinking that she might have meant "gross" or "amazing" or maybe even "disgusting" but "GIANT"? Come on. Then the door swung open. I am not even exaggerating a little bit when I say this guy was a giant. He was huge. He ducked under the door frame and when he stood up I almost pooped in the pants. Even without his heels he had to be just under 7 feet tall. With his heels, pretty ruby red slipper types with a 5 or 6 inch spike heel, he was pushing 7'2" or more. He was built like a pro football player and had thick black body hair. I know this because he was wearing nothing but fishnet stockings and a little red and white polka dot dress that would have been small on me. On this guy, well, if it was cold he would have been better off with napkins. He sashayed towards us holding a little red purse and covering ground as fast as Caprice had. I had a mag light in one hand and I was holding Caprice behind me with the other, I was telling her to run to the Jeep and lock the doors when Fagsquatch stopped about five feet in front of us. I couldint see his eyes cause he had on a huge black wig that covered most of the top of his head. I was getting ready to see how hard he would fall when he rumbled, "sorry, didn't mean to startle you" and turned and walked away. As he was walking away Emma, my dear sweet, brilliant little smart ass says. Very loudly. "Him does not look pretty in that dress"
He shook his head a little but kept walking, right to the only other car in the parking lot. A little Toyota celica. He got in and the little guy behind the wheel kissed him and they left. Two minutes later Brandie and the tow truck showed up. We made it home. All was well. When I told my family they all just shook their heads and I could see that my weird magnet status was confirmed. After I just re-read that I am afraid that I think I might agree. I am a weird magnet.


Simeona Family said...

OMG! Fagsquatch!! That's awesome! I would have to agree with you being the magnet for weirdness!

K.M. Warner said...

I don't usually spend time reading blogs, but I'm glad I stopped by here. I have tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard. Being a weird magnet sounds like it has some upsides - you have great stories to tell. You should try writing some books.