Envision

What I imagine and what happens in the real life, well, its rarely the same.
Its the difference of a few inches, a few seconds, a mis-timed jump.
In my mind I am magnificent. I have impeccable timing, vastly superior reflexes and inhuman speed.
However I usually become the victim of some vast cosmic conspiracy to stymie my excellence and stupendous athletic ability.
For those of you that don't know me, I am kidding.
Sort of.
See, when I was a kid, younger anyways, I used to try things that were probably a bit above my abilities. Ok, a lot above my abilities.
In my mind however, previous to the actual event, things always went flawlessly.
First time I got on a motorcycle, a little Honda 50 trail bike, I played it over and over in my head. Hop on the bike and roar off with a cloud of awesome wallowing in my wake.
I never for a second thought that I was going to lose control with the first twist of the throttle and ride directly through a fence. A tommy shaped hole in a splendid wooden fence.
Awesomeness.
The first time I tried to balance my way across a single strand of barb wire fence. I had this crystal clear vision of my cat-like balance and quickness running like a ninja across the top of the fence and jumping with a single leap to the top of the playhouse.
I still have the scars on my ass from that one. Three little lines from the top of the chain link fence that stopped my rapid descent to the ground after the barb wire snapped like soggy linguine.
Excellence.
Looking back it surprises me that I did int learn. Actually I'm still surprised that I haven't seemed to have learned yet.
In high school I belonged to a singing and dancing group. The fact that I can neither sing nor dance didn't seem to dampen my hubris. I was the MC and introduced the folks that actually could sing and dance. At the end of our silly little intro I was supposed to calmly walk in and take the mike, introduce the talent and fade off.
I had this great idea though.
Remember the knee slide? I used to see it on MTV and various other forms of mind numbing media. It was so damn cool.
So I had to try it.
Live performance, in front of some community center geriatrics or something. I don't rightly recall. I got a run from offstage and proceeded to power slide on my knees.
In my mind I came to a perfect stop exactly where I needed to be, snatched the mike and to thunderous applause stood to the jaw gaped gaze of the talent.
I slid across the highly polished wooden stage at mach 6 or thereabouts,  knocked two of the smaller girl talents base over apex and shot of into the air on the opposite side of the stage. I landed in the lap of the director.
She did not catch me.
delightful.
All of these memories came to me in flash one morning driving the child #1 to school. We were talking about things you want to do but probably should not.
Like wearing roller skates to school.
As a responsible parent I should have discouraged her. Mayhap given some well meaning but ineffective lecture on rules and safety and the other bull shit that adults impose on kids to keep them from reaching their sum-total ability to be excellent.
I am a failure as a parent.
I told her instead about when I took roller skates to school.
My sophomore year.
The school was freaking perfect for it. Long sloping hallways that curved and meandered with nary a staircase to be seen.
One run in particular from the bottom of the stairs at the south end of the main hall to the drama room. Or all the way to the registrars office if you timed the corner right.
At least, that's how it was in my mind.
It never in a million years occurred to me that the night elves who cleaned the building also waxed and polished the floors. To an ice-like slipperiness. Pretty sure they used the Zamboni.
As I went around that corner I became a human bowling ball. I don't know how many pins I knocked down.
I lost count.
Best bowling score of my life to date on one roll.
The child and I laughed at me. At far in the past me.
Hearing her laugh, that joy and electric youthfulness spilling into the still morning air.
Makes me hope I never learn.
Stupendousness.

the window of the absurd

I think that most people miss a lot of really fun stuff because they only see what they expect. My Family is convinced that I am some kind of weird magnet because of all the completely odd and random stuff that seems to happen whenever I am around. Mostly I do not think this is true, yes I have had a lot of random strange things happen that seem to happen to nobody else, but at the same time it is the stuff that I notice happening that makes for the strangest stories. For example: I was sitting at a stop light and the back end of a rat fell out of the sky on to my hood with a bloody squish. I was a bit surprised, usually it rains toads. When I leaned out of the window to see what other mammals would be falling I saw a very confused looking hawk sitting on a light pole directly above me, It was opening and closing one claw with a look that said "what the hell?" Speaking of rats, my very first Job not for my Dad was on the mow-boys crew at Three Fountains East. Since I was the FNG I got stuck hand mowing the banks of the canal on the golf course. Very first day I was mowing and a RAT tried to run in front of the mower. He did not quite make it. When I went to empty the bag the other mow-boys saw the blood and tail and told the Boss. He asked me what had happened and after he caught his breath from laughing and finished wiping the tears out of his eyes gave me a fifty dollar "rat" bonus. Sometimes the weird stuff pays.
One of my favorite weird happenings was a couple of years ago when our Jeep exploded on the way home from visiting both of our families at Mill Hollow. Yeah Caprice's whole family and my whole family were camping, not together, but in the same place on the same weekend. I had to work the next day so we had just gone up for a visit and were headed home in our awesome 66 four door Wagoneer. We had just got on the merge to I-80 coming down from Kamas and the Jeep's engine exploded. It really exploded, a large piece of something went through the hood shooting flames and an even larger piece went down through the engine and shot out under the Jeep shooting flames and sparks. It didn't just throw "a rod" it threw all of them. We had enough momentum to pull into the rest area that used to be right after the junction. It's gone now but every time I drive by I remember this night. We pulled into the rest area and coasted right into a parking space under the light about 1/2 way between the restrooms and the exit. It was about 1145 on a Friday night and the rest area was pretty empty. Our first dilemma came when we realized we had no one to call to come get us, all of them being back the way we had just come and way out of any sort of cell reception. So we called Brandie to come rescue us and a tow truck to come and get the Jeep. Jeep was obviously dead, all of its fluids were leaking out and when I crawled under to look their were four fist size hole in the oil pan. I figured that this was probably not a good thing. I had a "Jet Pull" in the morning and so I was determined to get as much sleep as I could. I stretched out on the front seat and Caprice and Emma played little nervous waiting games in the back. After about 1/2 hour I am informed from the back seat that the time has come to escort the women folk to the potty. I was a little irritated, here we were in a well lit rest area, only one other car visible, the bathrooms also well lit, only about 60 yards away and me really wanting some sleep and they want an escort? What the hell? So I put on my "I am in charge here" voice and softly agreed to walk with them to the potty. (yeah, that's the way it is)
So we make a party out of it, Me walking with the flashlight and Caprice carrying the Emma, who was five years old, so this was a lot longer ago then it seems. We are still laughing about the exploding of the Jeep and generally just happy that we were OK and together when I stop about 15 feet shy of the restroom and Caprice and Emma continue on to complete the moment. The door has not even shut all the way and Caprice kicks it back open and comes running out carrying Emma. Both of them have this stunned look and Caprice is sprinting as fast as I have ever seen her. I started to ask what was wrong but before I could Caprice screamed (yes, screamed) at me that "THERE IS A GIANT TRANSVESTITE IN THERE" and ran behind me and hid. Now hold on, when she said "giant" what did she mean? I was thinking that she might have meant "gross" or "amazing" or maybe even "disgusting" but "GIANT"? Come on. Then the door swung open. I am not even exaggerating a little bit when I say this guy was a giant. He was huge. He ducked under the door frame and when he stood up I almost pooped in the pants. Even without his heels he had to be just under 7 feet tall. With his heels, pretty ruby red slipper types with a 5 or 6 inch spike heel, he was pushing 7'2" or more. He was built like a pro football player and had thick black body hair. I know this because he was wearing nothing but fishnet stockings and a little red and white polka dot dress that would have been small on me. On this guy, well, if it was cold he would have been better off with napkins. He sashayed towards us holding a little red purse and covering ground as fast as Caprice had. I had a mag light in one hand and I was holding Caprice behind me with the other, I was telling her to run to the Jeep and lock the doors when Fagsquatch stopped about five feet in front of us. I couldint see his eyes cause he had on a huge black wig that covered most of the top of his head. I was getting ready to see how hard he would fall when he rumbled, "sorry, didn't mean to startle you" and turned and walked away. As he was walking away Emma, my dear sweet, brilliant little smart ass says. Very loudly. "Him does not look pretty in that dress"
He shook his head a little but kept walking, right to the only other car in the parking lot. A little Toyota celica. He got in and the little guy behind the wheel kissed him and they left. Two minutes later Brandie and the tow truck showed up. We made it home. All was well. When I told my family they all just shook their heads and I could see that my weird magnet status was confirmed. After I just re-read that I am afraid that I think I might agree. I am a weird magnet.