Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Apple Tree

It started simply. The very best stories always do.
I wanted money.
When you are twelve and want money your options are pretty limited.
I already worked for my dad, Mowing lawns and pulling weeds and cutting fence slats with a hacksaw, but I wanted a desk job.
So I checked out a book from the library "101 ways to make money"
That book was FULL of useful information.
Rolling your own fire logs, selling them door to door. Window cleaning, Puppy poop pickup, sawdust collection, resale candy bought in bulk.
That book was full of something all right.
It did teach me a valuable lesson. If you want to make a lot of money, write a book on how to do something, Like.........
"How to make a lot of money!!!"
What a pile of steaming green road apples.
So I looked about, to find a less physically demanding job and I came across a sign "Bart’s Big Worms" . He sold them to fishermen who were too lazy to catch their own.
So back to the library I went.
How to grow earthworms at home for fun and profit.
Just what I needed.
I read the book, and in a frenzy of activity made my earthworm habitat and breeding ground, I knew when I buried that five gallon bucket and filled it with a mixture of dirt and sphagnum moss that I was on my way to trump-like millions.
I spent a long and muddy night catching as many crawlers as I could. At the end of which I released all 8 of them into their brand new custom made climate controlled delicious tasting guaranteed to breed worms of prodigious even by Australian standards earthworm habitat.
I watched them all burrow into their new home and imagined I could hear the sound of contented sod busters chewing themselves into a food induced breeding frenzy.
AND THEN......
I forgot all about it.
For a couple of months.
Work was too much of a drain on my time.
That and Basketball, Baseball and Thinking of new ways to torment Justin and or his sisters.
This took more time than you would think. He had A LOT of sisters.
My Mom brought it to my attention.
It stank. Badly.
Just as advertised the decomposing moss and lose dirt had degraded into a vitamin rich mulch like substance and settled into the bottom foot of the Five gallon bucket, Unlike the poster however my prime wriggly habitat had collected a foot or so of scummy brownish water.
It stank.
So I bent closer to see if perhaps it was just as bad up close.
It was. It was also alive with little tiny wiggly things.
Sea Monkeys?
Nope. (the water tasted different.)
So my budding young mad scientist mind did the only thing possible. I looked them up in my Mutual of Omaha wild kingdom guide to insects placed on individually printed glossy color photographic note cards and discovered two things.
1) That they were Mosquito larvae
2) That they possibly carried diseases and should be eradicated.
After a visit to the dictionary and an encyclopedia I discovered that I was supposed to kill them, and that the best way was to pour a petroleum Product on top of the water.
Gasoline is a petroleum Product.
I topped off the bucket with the can from the garage, and since the encyclopedia had been a little vague as to how the petroleum was supposed to actually KILL the little malaria carries I hove-to about twenty feet and started chucking lit matches at it. (I was not completely stupid!)
 (OK, maybe I was)
Did you know that when 2 gallons of gas (2 1/2 or so) sitting in a bucket 1/2 full of water and decomposing moss, 3 billion mosquito larvae, and a handful of soggy matches, encounters a flaming match the AIR above it.......
It explodes.
I felt Like Moses.
There was a 20 foot high pillar of freaking fire.
Running about, bumping into trees and tripping over bushes and howling a little bit, come to think of it, I bet Moses did EXACTLY the same thing.
He probably even peed a little.
Salt did not put it out (out of baking soda) and when I threw a shovelful of dirt on it, flaming blobs of stickier than boogers and  1/2 rotted flaming moss splashed unto the apple tree, and the fence.
This Bush Burned.
And it was consumed.
So was the fence.
Luckily for me Uncle Buck (His Real name) lived next door, seeing flames leaping grandly into the air he heroically stuck his head over the fence "HOLY SHIT TOMMY" was followed by a mighty leap and a quick dousing of the conflagration.
I told my mom and dad the whole story.
Beginning to end.
George Washington and his lame cherry tree has got nothing on me.
Besides, I had to tell them before Uncle Wally (That’s Buck) did, then I would have been in deep shit.


Spenc said...

LOL, awesome it's amazing the logic of kids. Although my dad is in his 60s and has decided to raise earthworms. I have no idea why,for fun maybe? Hopefully he doesn't burn his house down and want to live with me afterward. Thanks for the laugh, well written and suspenseful.

Anonymous said...

So glad I'm a girl and had 3 younger sisters. We may have started a venture like that but when things got too "yucky" my Daddy would have been in there to get rid of the "ewwies". Well, that and the fact that women never forget they left something lying around that could make them money!

*insert jokes about lazy husbands here--I have none so I will be making none*

So, if I have things right you are a pirate and an arsonist...quite the bad boy aren't cha?

Sapphire Dragonflies said...

Was tickled today to log in and see that you had a post. I needed a laugh. I thought you'd fallen off the blogosphere.

V said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
V said...

"Work was too much of a drain on my time"
LOVED IT!! You always make me smile just when I need it. You are still my favorite story teller.

Sig Wynne-Evans said...

What a great post! Love your humor and outlook! I just stumbled upon your blog. I will return to read more!


Katsidhe said...

"I felt like Moses". Hahaha!! Brilliant as always.~