Thursday, April 14, 2011

Oh hell

In some countries, by the calendar, I am considered an "Adult"
In a few more days or so I think I can safely say that I have lived more of my life than I have left.
Neither of which is a very comforting thought.
I am a Father.
I have two children that I refer too variously as 1 and 2, and "the NUMBERS' and I realize that I should be mindful of this and act appropriately.
Bull pucky says I.
If I feel the need to Juggle fruit in the grocery store, have a skipping or spitting contest or impromptu wrestle or sword-fight in the toy store.
I will.
Adult?
By age only.
Cultural definitions be dammed straight to Sheol.
That being said I had a very uncomfortable deep thought today.
Trust me, it was not on purpose.
#1, who is 13 and in middle school said Something to the Wife today.
"You and Dad may have crappy Jobs and think they are stressful, but you should really try middle school. Its MUCH worse"
My first reaction, on hearing this was to scoff, what does she know about bills and jobs and kids and car payments and children and spouses and all the other innumerable bullshit that is part and parcel of being a "Grown up".
Pshaw said I.
Then I had one of those highly damming spells of realization.
And memory.
I remembered middle school.
Really remembered it.
The fears and Pain and Heartache and Puberty and not being invited to the party and not quite knowing what to do and having a girlfriend and best-friends and fighting and My Grandpa dying and my Uncle Ron dying and Jamin dying and grades and math and wood-shop and ..........
well.
All of it.
I sat still and remembered all of it.
Then I had another realization.
This one was far more painful.
All of those stresses I deal with?
Now, as an Adult.
So do 1 and 2.
As children.
They are not deaf and Dumb, nor are they Blind or obtuse.
They know whats going on.
They hear the fights and see the anger. They feel the sadness and the pain of Adult life by watching the two they love the most go through it all.
They not only have all of their stresses, they have all of ours too.
My typical response?
"I dealt with it, so can they"
Why? I asked myself today. Is this some sort of bizarre hazing ritual that we all consciously and unconsciously practice?
I had to do it, so should they?
Really?
Truly?
Maybe some of it is unavoidable.
People are shit for the most part.
But as a parent of a wee human should not my Job be to see that they have it better and easier than I?
So that they can grow up to be a better and more complete person than I?

I hope so.

4 comments:

Jewels said...

Of course every parents wants better than what they have for their kids. I know my Daddy wants better for me. Kids are very in tune with the vibe of the house, anger, stress, happiness, joy, etc. No worries though-they are resilient little buggers.

That responsibility-caring for the rest of your life for those two little humans...fills me with so much anxiety. You are lucky to have great kids and thank goodness there are people out there procreating...but no thank you...I'll pass-that is way too much responsibility for me.

Chris said...

A huge chunk of my own blog posts is basically dealing with shit traceable back to middle school, LOL. But some of my worse memories do go back to hearing my parents fighting, so you're right. Your awareness of it is a huge deal, and I have no doubt that you (will) do a great job.

Spenc said...

You know how people say "if only I could be _____ age again". I always think about it and say nope that age wasn't so fun, I much prefer being the age I am. It's easy to say that being young is easy, but how many of us would really go back if we could?

ApparentlyatotalB said...

Loved this. So true. When I am stressing on my kids about something stupid, I have to stop and think about what it is doing to their little minds and how it will affect them down the road. I always want them to think everything is magical and fun, forever.