Monday, January 2, 2012

Well then

Its been an interesting time.
This is going to be a pattern of words that I will struggle with. Whatever I write this time is going to hurt.
Hopefully it will not hurt everyone who reads it. But I know it is going to hurt a few.
That really is not my intent.
Its more a matter of self expression at this point. Typing a few of the things I need to get off my chest. This pattern is all about me. Selfish and deluded perhaps, but I am giving in to some pretty petty humanity at the end/beginning of the year.
I learned a lot about people this year. What I learned mostly is that they are never content. Never. If they have what they want they want more. If they have everything, they want what others want.
Nothing is ever enough.
No kindness, no sacrifice, no words are ever enough.
People are made to want.
I have been hurt horribly this year, and undoubtedly have hurt others as well.
I have learned that intent does not matter.
Not really.
If you say the same thing over and over and over again, it doesn't become true. It becomes noise. It becomes static.
Actions are what matter.
Mine and others.
They matter to them and they matter to me.
I have learned that if you give, people expect more, and more, until you have given everything you can and there is nothing left of what could in anyway be called you. Back to the whole bit of being content. They are not. Ever.
That sounds so bitter.
So very selfish.
Something else I learned.
or rather, something I am learning.
I am selfish.
I think and act and behave in ways that benefit only me.
I used to fight against it constantly. Every hour of every day I would try and remind myself not to be selfish, to think of others first.
What shit.
I was not doing myself or others any favors by behaving this way. Not at all.
I need to find a balance.
Martyrdom is not for me. Never again in fact.
It may make me more like a human, this attitude.
However, if I do not think of me and act in my own best interests. No one will.
This arrogance I have, to think this way. Is really astonishing I realize.
I have never really done anything with my life that qualifies me to make such grandiose statements and pronouncements.
So what?
I am sorry. To you whom I have hurt.
Not just words, those, truly. I am sorry.
By my actions this coming year I will prove that to you.
Because I am learning.
About you humans. About me.
Every hour I learn a little more.
And every hour I try to be just a little better then I was before.

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