Saturday, March 19, 2011

Licence to Practice

I hate going to the Doctor.
All they are going to give me is bad news, or at the very least soften the blow of bad news with a little good news.
"Yes Tom. you are broken but you have remarkable bone density for a man in his 50s"
Yeah?.? Its too bad I am 37.
It started when I dislocated my elbow. I had been on an arm wrestling binge and finished it out by loading concrete bags into a truck. Midway through a throw my elbow popped and my arm flopped uselessly on the end of a stab of pain.
Followed by more pain from laughing.
I promise, when you are throwing a 90 pound bag of concrete and completely by accident knock a fellow co-worker ass-over teakettle when it thumps him in the back, the look on his face is FUNNY!
When I recovered enough to apologize I flopped my arm in the direction of the car and had Franz drive Jared and I to the Clinic. Me, I was hoping he could just re-joint my elbow. Jared, well. Lets just say that as funny as it was, I was hoping for permanent brain damage. Sadly, he was completely OK. Which really was too bad.
 Cause I owed him money and I was hoping for at least some memory loss.
The Wife got there to sit with me and drive me home after the Doc fixed my floppy arm. It was taking a long time. Once the Doc found out that I was injured at work he discovered 3 new and previously unused machines that he just had to try.
Practicing his Medicine no doubt.
After the third life sucking torture device had been applied he came into the room and using the newest and most refined techniques on the cutting edge of medical practice, grabbed my hand and yanked.
I didn't pee myself. Just barely.
When I had recovered my composure to the point where I was able to wipe the drool off of my chin my very own self, he explained.
Doctor: Sorry about the pain, but I find its easier to just go for it. Too much talk and people have a tendency to tense up.
Me: mmmmphgahhhh
Wife: Thats ok, he is Tough. Is his elbow back into place?
Me: ackkk ackkk pthllbbbb
Doctor: Is he Ok?
Did I mention that I was drooling? From the Pain?
Dislocating was bad, relocating was 10 times worse.
The doctor did as Doctors do and pulled out a wad of test results and X-rays.
explain, explain, explain, blah blah blah blah and then the punch line....
"You know, when you construction worker types get into your 40s you really need to slow down,"
Wife:  um?
Me: achk achkkk acckhh I am 27 Asshole"
Doctor: Oh. oh my.
I guess I should not have expected much. I do look old, I realize this. Even then I did have access to a mirror. But it still stung a wee bit.
I hate going to the Doctor, they never have good news.
This past couple of years I have been developing pain. Cultivating it in my spare time. I was waiting for it to get huge enough to stand a chance of winning at the annual "Idiot Fair" Held in Des Moines.
Before I could even fill out the entry form the wife had made an appointment for me to see the Doc.
Oh well.
So I went in and gave him the litany.
It hurts here and here and here. But it really hurts here.
So, I guess they still haven't paid off the machines since I was here ten years ago. Cause they put me through all of them again. This time I got a full body deal.
Maybe there was a special?
Sitting in the waiting room with The Wife, waiting for the Doctor.
No doubt he was in the hall, practicing.
After an hour or six of waiting he comes in with enough paperwork and X rays that he apparently needed three assistants to help him carry it.

The Doc and Larry, Moe and Shemp crowded around the room and looked at me.
Waiting for Curly.
Curly arrived with a tray.
The music switched from calming new age to an ominous techno beat.
Before any one could say anything I blurted into the semi-silence
 "I am only 37"
The Doc and the stooges appeared flummoxed.
The Doc Cleared his adenoids and began...
"Did you play pro-football?"
um, no.
"Do you play competitive Rugby?"
HAH! no.
"Have you been in a high speed motorcycle or car accident in which you were ejected from the vehicle?"
um, not that I remember.
and they all looked at each other. Glances of concern from the stoodges and a worried little crease appearing on the doctors botoxed brow...
"You appear to be very healthy. Its just that."
and a very long pause.
"Well, to put it bluntly, You have the body of a retired rodeo clown."
I hate Doctors.


pneumonochrome said...

A retired rodeo clown, eh?

Come on, now, Tom. We're not all that bad ;)

Tom said...

Well, no.
Good apples in every basket. But I am STILL confused how I requested a referral to a Neurologist...
and left with a prescription for Viagra?

Anonymous said...

Oh my! I can't help laughing-but I almost threw up my fiber1 bar at the relocation! EWW! So glad I just break shit and don't dislocate it...I'm pretty sure I would have lost my lunch on the doctor.

You forgot to mention to them that you have kids---you are a rodeo clown!!! :) Heal quickly!

BlackLOG said...

Mrs B spent two weeks walking around on a broken leg before going to the doctors. That was after skiing down the mountain after her crash (OK, most of it was on her bum and she was swearing like an Irish Navi - but she still did it. ….I think she might have been a construction worker in a former life.

She still says the most painful bit was me trying to explain in layman terms what the doctor was telling her - My medical background is graduate at the School of House with fellowships in E.R. & Greys Anatomy .

To be fair the Doctor learnt a valuable lesson as well….Don’t let husbands come in on the consult

Only he didn’t because I was allowed back in for the follow up consultation (A.K.A The Money shot) ….I think he wanted to find out what had happened in that weeks episode of House….He didn’t find out since Mrs B had put me under a strict gagging order….

She still says the most painful bit was me trying to explain in layman terms what the doctor was telling her - My meical background is graduate at the School of House with

BlackLOG said...

sorry I think you have an echo on your blog...on your blog...your

Katsidhe said...

I think I'll forgive Doc and the Three Stooges for their idiocy since that rodeo clown bit was a pretty clever analogy. =P

Chris said...

I just realized I'm only 6 years younger than you, but I perceived this difference in age as much larger. You must be an old soul. Or I, a big brat.

Tom said...

@jewels, fiber one? Holy smokes child! Buy a cliff bar! ;)
@blacklog, your wife rocks! Your pretty damn funny too....... The poor doctor. Never knew what hit him.
What hit him.
@kat, that statement was followed by " did know you have had 3 skull fractures? Do you bleed from your ears?"
It was a while back, I am all better (oh what a lie) now :-D
@Chris, i am the ancient of days. I have a memento mori in my office. Live fast. A brat? Nope. Just youthful enthusiasm